Movie Villains

I think it was Flannery O'Connor that once said "A good villain is hard to find" (or something like that). This is a very true statement, especially in Hollywood. If I had to guess, the ratio of awesome movie villains to your standard cardboard, run-of-the-mill villains is probably 50 to 1. Because for every Norman Bates or Hannibal Lector we get at least a dozen more Count Dookus or Mr. Freezes.

Seriously?

Anyhow, I digress. We all love the awesome, good-looking hero that saves the day and gets to bang the supermodel at the end of the movie. The thing about good guys, though, is that you're supposed to like them. The script was written with that sole purpose and that's why guy's with million-dollar smiles like Harrison Ford have been able to make a career out of kicking butt. Villains don't have it that easy. We're supposed to revile the ground they walk and eagerly anticipate their grisly demise at the film's climax. So, one could argue that the mark of a really good villain is when the bad guy has you kinda rooting for him by the time the movie is over. This is a pretty rare feat in villaindom--oftentimes when a certain baddie gets enough face time he just ends up hamming it up, which only makes us want to see him get killed off even more.

Now, you may or may not have been wondering, but yes, I'm definitely a qualified source when it comes to the art of villain-making. When I was nine (nine!) years old I wrote my very own James Bond script titled "Bombs are Forever." It was a rather ambitious project that featured your typical action fare: helicopter chases, tank chases, train chases, and even a blimp chase.

Don't act like you're not impressed by the prospect of that last one.

At the time I accurately estimated the costs to film everything at about $1000, half of which was to be used on fireworks for the gunshot sound effects. I was to play the main villain, Zorin (a name I stole from the Bond movie A View to a Kill), while my cousin, Justin, was to star as Bond. Also signed on was my childhood friend Jill, who was to play Bond's love interest (her character was given the rather original name of "Kate Winslet"). Sidenote: In an amusing twist of irony/fate/what have you, they actually did end up together about ten years later. D'AWWWWW! :D

Needless to say our little movie got mired in development hell and never really got past the pre-production stage. This was mainly due to a lack of fundage. That didn't stop me from holding onto the killer script we'd written, however. To give you guys an idea as to what kind of blockbuster the world missed out on, I've affixed some of the best excerpts from the script for your viewing pleasure (with fixed grammar and spelling).

::cuts to Zorin with the ship's previous crew::

2nd Mate: What do you want from us?

Zorin: Jewels, I want them all! I live for jewels! Hahahaha! Number 2!

Number 2 ::arrives a bit late:: Yes, sir?

Zorin: Hey, what took you so long, Number 2? Were you taking a Number 2?

Number 2: Clever joke, sir.

Zorin: I don't think that's all the passengers.

Number 2: Don't worry, I'll find them like a hotdog finds a bun.

I was nine when I wrote that. Nine! Hard to believe I'm not heading Dream Works or Paramount by now. And you think that dialogue is Oscar-worthy? Just get a load of the movie's gripping finale (please ignore the random interjections the guards yell when they die. Not sure what I was thinking with those):

::Bond appears from the bushes, shooting guard 4:: Spleeen! ::dies::
Guard 3: Hey, don’t shoot! I’m unarmed! ::sticks his hands in the air::
Bond ::shoots the guard anyways:: License to kill.
::Zorin shoots at Bond, missing::
::Bond hits Zorin, pushes him down and aims his gun at him::
Zorin: Good move. For England, James?
Bond: No. For Ethan.
::Zorin kicks Bond and when he fires he misses::
::Zorin rolls down and grabs gun::
Zorin: Ta-ta for now, Mr. Bond.
Bond: Watch my watch. ::Watch hits Zorin in the face::
Zorin: Ee-gee-gee!::Zorin falls and dies::
Kate ::runs over to Bond:: James!
Bond: Kate!
Kate: I’m coming. ::Kate reaches Bond and they hold each other:: Are you alright?
Bond: I’m fine, thank you.
Kate: Ohhh, James. ::touches his leg::

-The End?-

NO!

::Zorin gets up::
Zorin: I can’t die! ::unhooks grenade from his belt, then runs over to Kate and Bond::
Kate: Oh, James, kiss me!
Zorin: Hahahaha! BOOM! BOOM!
::Kate is about to kiss Bond when Zorin runs over to them and they all explode::

The End

They just don't make them like that anymore. I think we ended the movie that way mainly just so Bond didn't have to kiss the girl at the end, because kissing was gross. Anyhow, as you can tell, I know my stuff when it comes to making a good villain, which is why I now give you a few examples of my on-screen favorites:

Alec Trevelyan (GoldenEye)

Trevelyan is probably my favorite Bond villain. This is partly because I grew up playing GoldenEye nonstop as a kid, although it's also in part because Sean Bean knows how to play the villain. What kind of set Trevelyan apart from other Bond baddies was the fact that he was a former 00 and Bond's best friend. Well, ex-best friend. Trevelyan ended up betraying Bond in order for Trevelyan to get revenge on England for...betraying his parents by causing his father to kill his wife and commit suicide? Or something like that? Just seems counterproductive, really.

Anyhow, the fact that him and James were former bffs/assumed Eskimo brothers added a lot more weight to the tit-for-tat interactions and witty dialogue between him and Bond. This all set the stage for one killer fight scene at the end of the movie that's probably on par with the train fight in From Russia With Love. Unfortunately, this is the only flick that features Trevelyan, as the fight kind of ended badly for him. I'm mainly referring to the part where the giant space antenna fell on him...after he'd fallen some 300 feet from said antenna. That's one way to go out, I guess.

Favorite Trevelyan Quote: "What's the matter, James? No glib remark? No pithy comeback?"

Trevelyan Fun Fact: Trevelyan is the only 00 Agent other than Bond to get any sizable screen time with a speaking part. Others are seen only briefly in minor roles.

Favorite Trevelyan Clip: The fight scene on the cradle.

Hans Gruber (Die Hard)

Die Hard is one of my all-time favorite action movies, mainly due to the job Alan Rickman (SNAPE!) does as classy German terrorist/thief/mastermind Hans Gruber. The best part about Gruber is his how calculating and intelligent he is, traits he uses throughout the film as his primary weapon, moreso than his handgun (although he's not afraid to get his hands dirty and bump off an uncooperative Chinaman or two). Some of the best examples of his cunning is when he tells one of his cronies to "shoot the glass" solely to inflict further injury to Bruce Willis' character. Gruber is one of the best (and maybe the first) example of a bad guy that just exudes cool by maintaining an air of sophistication all while taking hostages and robbing a building.

Favorite Hans Gruber Quote: "'And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.' Benefits of a classical education."

Hans Gruber Fun Fact: In the German dubbing of the film, all of the names of the German terrorists were changed to American names. This was mainly because German terrorism (especially the Red Army Faction) was a very sensitive subject when the film was released in the late 80's.

Favorite Hans Gruber Clip: Embedding was disabled, so just click here. It's worth it!

Darth Vader (original Star Wars trilogy)

Being a lifelong Star Wars fan, I might be letting my personal biases get in the way when I say this, but...Darth Vader is the greatest kicker of asses in cinema history. Hands down. The dude did everything. He tortured peeps, blew homies and planets up, and maimed right hands, all in spectacular fashion. All while wearing a rad metal suit that didn't allow for any neck movement. Seriously. The man had to turn his body any time he wanted to look left...and yet it was that full body movement that made him look all the more menacing.

While Vader's physical appearance is intimidating and memorable, it's his voice that is unforgettable. James Earl Jones' voice was the perfect fit for the role: deep, strong, rich, majestic, licentious. There simply are not enough adjectives in the English language to describe how awesome this man's voice is. His vocals are about as synonymous with Star Wars as llightsabers or its music. What's really interesting is trying to imagine Vader without the voice. Oh, wait, we don't have to. Here's a clip of David Prowse, the actor who played Vader (sans vocals) doing what sounds like a Dark Helmet impression:

Now compare that to this:

Oh, bit of a spoiler in that clip. Sorry about that. So yeah, the voice makes the man when it comes to Vader--not to discredit his physicality/overall villainous nature, which is just as important. I mean, for crying out loud, he choked a guy from across the room...with his mind.

With his mind.

Favorite Vader Quote: "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Favorite Vader Fun Fact: Vader was created by concept artist Ralph McQuarrie when he drew the initial scene where Vader and his stormtroopers board the Rebel ship in A New Hope. It was initially imagined that Vader would fly through space to reach the ship, therefore necessitating a suit and breathing mask. Once it became clear that Vader looked like a total badass, the suit and mask were made permanent and incorporated into the story.

Favorite Vader Clip: The duel on Cloud City.

Shooter McGavin (Happy Gilmore)

The man. The myth. The legend. Behold, the greatest villain in cinema history--nay, the greatest character in cinema history. Shooter McGavin is so influential, so important, that my mere mortal words can do no justice in describing the man's infamy, so I will refrain from even attempting to describe what makes "The Great One" so amazing.

Favorite Shooter McGavin Quote: "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast."

Shooter McGavin Fun Fact: Eats pieces of shit for breakfast.

Favorite Shooter McGavin Clip: Shooter's celebration when he sinks one in.

That's the stuff of legends right there. Anyhow, until next time, folks.