Listomania: Favorite Songs of the 00's (70-61)

Annnnnnnd we're BACK with more of my personal faves from the previous decade.

70. “Ready for the Floor” by Hot Chip (Made in the Dark, 2008)

How about that—the name itself pretty much screams “catchy dance tune!” And it certainly is. I’d argue that this song is probably their most accessible pop hit, which is saying a lot for the same guys that wrote “Over and Over.” Yet, for a dance tune, the song has a lot of charm to it that mainly stems from Alexis Taylor’s soft vocals and the (d'awww) sugar-sweet lyrics. Hot Chip have also somehow managed to cram enough catchy hooks in just one tune to take up your standard pop singer’s entire catalog. Seriously, you think you’ve heard the best, catchiest part of the song and then BOOM, “You’re my number one guy!” comes in.

69. “7/4 (Shoreline)” by Broken Social Scene (Broken Social Scene, 2005)

Welp, some of you already know that I’m a huge Broken Social Scene addict. I’ve eaten up everything they’ve put out, just about, and get this immense, incomparable feeling of satisfaction from listening to their music that I don’t really get from listening to anyone else. For some reason I tie a series of images and experiences (some real and others imagined) to every song of theirs. I don’t experience this with any other artist. I’m not really sure why. For example, “Lover’s Spit” always involves breakup imagery of sorts, something I thankfully haven’t had to experience...yet :-O. jk lolz.

Anyhow, that’s the big BSS fanatic spiel that I had to get out of the way. As far as “7/4” goes, it’s the song that perhaps best typifies Broken Social Scene’s sound—if it can be typified, that is. Someone once described their music as an "expansive flea market: a few gems in plain view, then a vast pile of odds and ends in which each piece shines a little brighter every time you rummage through the junk." That's a darn good description of BSS (hence why I stole it without giving credit). If I were to use one word to describe “7/4” (or heck, any of their songs or albums), it would be alive: the drumbeat skips at a quick, prancing pace; the guitars clutter a multitude of sounds; the soulful vocals of Leslie Feist. Their impeccable delivery of this song is one of excitement, of joy. I’ve seen them play this song live twice and both times they maintained the same sort of energy and delight in the music they were making that by the time the herald of horns and trombones came in to close the song, I was right there with them, feeding off of the same raw energy and vivacity.

68. “Postcards from Italy” by Beirut (Gulag Orkestar, 2006)

Despite being American, Beirut’s songs have always effectively captured the European aesthetic. It might be the themes (many of which detail a life abroad), it might be the instrumentation that comes out of the Romani folk handbook; whatever it is, it’s working. They’re a very unique outfit that utilize a cornucopia of unusual instrumentation (violin, ukulele, accordion, etc…) as a backdrop to Zach Condon’s breezy yet tremulous croon, which all compliment the themes of longing and love/death quite nicely in this song.

67. “Sodom, South Georgia” by Iron & Wine (Our Endless Numbered Days, 2004)

I think it was Sam Cooke (one of my all-time favorite male vocalists) who remarked upon hearing Bob Dylan for the first time that music was no longer about how pretty it sounded but whether or not the singer could “tell it how is." That’s kind of how it is for me and Sam Beam of Iron & Wine, especially on this particular song. His soothing vocals and delicate delivery have the intimacy of an old friend sitting down in my living room and telling me how it is. Despite the sad imagery, there is a sort of soothingness in "Sodom." Things don't seem quite right, but it doesn't matter. You've got Sam Beam's voice to keep you company.

66. “Cold Days from the Birdhouse” by the Twilight Sad (Fourteen Autumns & Fifteen Winters, 2007)

“Cold Days” combines brumal sonics with vivid lyrics to create something that’s at once personal, immediate, and raw. While the song builds and ends slowly with the thudding of a solitary, cheerless piano key, it’s the middle sections that really stand out. At 2:30 the guitars emphatically announce themselves with the sort of heaviness that evokes open spaces and mountains. Yet, astoundingly, the louder the band gets the more emotionally affecting the song becomes.

65. “Touch the Sky” by Kanye West (Late Registration, 2005)

Sampling Curtis Mayfield’s “Move On Up” is always a good idea, even if you’re slowing it down. The horns are immensely rich and Kanye’s verses are as triumphant as they are cheerful—definitely one of my favorite feel-good songs. Lupe Fiasco guests on the track and delivers a steady, metaphor-filled flow. I know we all like to hate on the guy for his jackassery and egotism, but when he churns out hits like this, it becomes a lot harder to do so.

64. “I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor” by the Arctic Monkeys (Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not, 2006)

The Arctic Monkeys somehow managed to live up the hype, despite most of them not even being over the age of 20 when their first album was released in 2006. What worked were the ruff-and-tumble guitar riffs and Alex Turner’s straightforward, wryly clever lyrics, as demonstrated on “Dancefloor.” The song moves at a very fast, very loud pace and is one of the standouttiest tracks on album of standouts.

63. “Lay Low” by My Morning Jacket (Z, 2005)

While most of the album was all over the place stylistically, “Lay Low” was a return to the ol’ stuff on MMJ’s 2005 masterwork, Z. While some songs veered towards Pink Floydism and others towards alt-rock, “Law Low” is a Southern stomper that would have made the Allman Brothers proud. Jim James’ angelic country drawl and the booming snare drums drive the song all the way to its impressive Lynyrd Skynyrd-esque dual guitar solo, which is one of my favorite solos from the past decade.

62. “Reckoner” by Radiohead (In Rainbows, 2007)

Radiohead have a very wide palette when it comes to making music. I don’t think anyone balances the whole “I’m gonna rock your face off on this one but then slow it down for the ladies on the next track but still keep things kind of weird and spacey but in the good way” better than these guys. “Reckoner” is one of those slowed down jams that highlights Thom Yorke’s siren-like falsetto over clanging percussion and somber strings. Agh, that description does the song no justice. To put things more succinctly: it’s maybe the most beautiful song they’ve ever done.

61. “Fell in Love With a Girl” by the White Stripes (White Blood Cells, 2001)

One of the many beauties of the White Stripes is Meg White's minimalistic drumming coupled with Jack White's innovative approach to guitar-playing, as demonstrated on this track (but not to the same extent as some of their other work). Another thing I can appreciate about the White Stripes is that they don’t really beat around the bush. “Fell in Love With a Girl” is a straight up rocker that is almost Guided by Voices-esque in its brevity: Jack hashes out one monstrous, quick riff while spitting out lyrics about love and lust and by the time you've gotten acquainted the song is already fading from your speakers. Also, if you haven't seen the music video for this song, you should definitely look into doing so.

Evaluation Thursday: New MGMT Album

MGMT: Congratulations

Yes, that's the album cover.

Howdy folks. Got my hands on the new MGMT album and figured I'd post my thoughts on it. Some stuff to make note of before reading:

1. I've only given the album one real good, in-depth listen. So anything I write down can be considered just my initial response.

2. I love the idea of rating stuff so I'll be using a 10 pt scale. I'll do my best not to sink to the level of pretentiousness that Pitchfork sometimes does.

3. Hopefully I'll turn this into a weekly thing.

Alright, onto the evaluation!

Before I begin, I need to let you guys know something: I wasn't exactly enthused about Congratulations. This is mainly because unlike some (Rolling Stone), I wasn't the biggest fan of Oracular Spectacular. I think I probably enjoyed about (roughly) 62% of it, namely the big stuff that everybody got into: "Kids," "Time to Pretend," and especially the Bee Gees-esque "Electric Feel." But other than those standout tracks I felt that the rest of the album lacked cohesion; there were just too many different parts thrown in from too many different genres that created a mishmash of...well, I'm not sure exactly. And don't get me wrong, I'm all for mishmashes--it's just a lot harder for me to get into them when there isn't a good melody or monster riff accompanying them. I need something that I can hold onto as a frame of reference.

Prior to listening to the record I was wondering to myself which MGMT I'd be listening to on Congratulations. Would it be the sonic daydreamers who dished out dancey, pop-friendly hits? Or the revivalist genre mish-mashers that oftentimes should have mashed when they mished? Maybe some sort of weird hybrid of the two? Welp, after giving the album one run-through, I'm inclined to say that Congratulations doesn't have any tracks that can give you the sort of instant gratification that a song like "Kids." On the whole the album seems to be lacking the sort of big, sing-along hooks that propelled their previous work. So I guess you could say that I'm going with the second option...per se.

That's not to say that the album isn't enjoyable. It's different, yeah, but it's still MGMT, so while the casual MGMT fan might fret over the lack of radio hits, if you were a big fan of their first album then you'll probably find stuff you can enjoy here. Many of the "live fast and die young" themes are still present, as is their psychedelic, acid circus sound. Songs like "Dan Treacy" and "Flash Delirium" are peppy, space-rock jams that alternate between mimicking the vocal styles of 60's group The Zombies and those of David Bowie. "Someone's Missing" starts off like a filler track before buoyantly exploding into a freaky pop tune that kind of sounds like the theme song from Laverne and Shirley. Also, this might also be the kinkiest album I've heard in a while...in the sense that their sound verges well into Kinks territory (in ways both good and bad).

Congratulations' problems, however, are perhaps best exemplified in "Siberian Breaks," the album's epic 12-minute centerpiece. It starts off with some acoustic guitar strumming and airy vocals before suddenly jolting into booming snare, electro-tint, and choral vocals around the five-minute mark. This jolt lasts roughly a minute before the song diverts paths again into the realm of easy-listening. And then it changes again. And again. Before we know it the song is closing with some robot space opera music, at which point you're kind of just like "wtf?" To me the song never really goes anywhere. It meanders through different genres and styles and comes off as bloated more than anything else. I think there's a word for this... Oh, right. Mishmash.

So, yeah, the initial results were mixed for me. It's by no means a bad album. Parts of it sound great and are a lot of fun to listen to. On the whole, though, the album seems to wander and definitely suffers from not having some of those huge tracks that made Oracular Spectacular so popular. I think the problem for a lot of breakout artists is that they get this label tacked onto them that they're only as good as their singles, so when it comes time to make their next album they get this "WE'LL SHOW YOU!!!" attitude and don't include any singles. This tactic never works and I'm pretty sure Weezer and Oasis would be able to back me up on this one.

Congratulations is an ambitious work with several enjoyable moments but ultimately falls flat. Although I can't be 100% certain since the it won't be released until mid-April, I will not be surprised if it's viewed by most as a "sophomore slump."

Initial Gut-level Evaluation: 6 out of 10.

Listomania: Favorite Songs of the 00's (80-71)

80. "Stillness is the Move" by Dirty Projectors (Bitte Orca, 2009)

I don't know much about how music works. I really don’t. I attempted both piano and guitar lessons at one point but never really got the rhythm or the passion down and just kind of gave up after a few years (but I can still play one mean “Wonderwall,”—a song that has become quite the panty-dropper these days, it would seem). My inability to make my own music or understand how music is made hasn’t stopped me from being able to appreciating songs that sound (to my untrained ears) well-made.

What makes “Stillness” cool is that it's a collection of varying sounds and complex vocal harmonies that make my mind a-splode when I try to keep up. The voices overlap, go solo, do a bit of a pseudo-call and response. It's a song driven purely by vocals. I can see how Dirty Projectors could have royally screwed this song up, but boy, they nailed it. Everything works here, mainly because it’s anchored by Amber Coffman’s remarkable singing. Skip to the 4:05 mark and you’ll hear what I’m talking about.

79. "I Love You and Buddha Too" by Mason Jennings (In the Ever, 2008)

I think I might be in the small group of music list-makers who would include this song in a "Best of the Decade" list...but I just can't help myself. It's so darn catchy. Yeah, it's simple and repetitious and has a campfire sing-songy vibe about it. Who cares? It's just a fun little ditty that'll have you tapping your foot and nodding your head from start to finish.

78. “Someday” by the Strokes (Is This It, 2001)

It’s as much a rock song as it is a replica of those timeless pop hits from the days of yore: it’s upbeat, the opening riff is simple yet memorable, and Julian Casablancas’ vocals (what a name, by the way) possess a sort of slurred scruffiness that's somehow rather endearing. The Strokes don’t offer anything too innovative to the table in this song—instead, they merely focus on creating a memorable, straightforward melodious rock song.

77. “Twilight at Carbon Lake” by Deerhunter (Microcastle, 2008)

I’m not sure if the impact of Microcastle's closing track, "Twilight," can be truly appreciated without listening to the whole album first. What makes this song special is how it starts off as indicative of everything the album has displayed throughout its running time, what with the spacey vocals and a sort of back-and-forth sway. It’s a very chill album—almost. I’d argue that 90% of the album possesses a sort of restrained breeziness, which only serves to make the noisy moments on the album all the more memorable. And none are more memorable or more noisy than “Twilight at Carbon Lake.” The song starts off typically enough with a slow-paced lilt indicative of what we’ve heard from the album so far…and then halfway, everything changes. All the pent-up frustration is suddenly, toweringly released in a flurry of sonic guitar battering and cymbal-thrashing. An album that had been so chiefly to-and-fro/carefree suddenly erupts in a violent flare of noise…and I’m talking noise, people. Awesome, nasty, badass noise. This song is the musical equivalent of a star going supernova: everything's all peaceful and serene until the sucker goes nuclear and EVERYTHING EXPLODES and then poof, nothingness.

76. “Be” by Common (Be, 2005)

I’m just going to take Pitchfork’s description of the song, because I certainly couldn’t do it any better:

“The [song] introduces itself with a few somber, contemplative notes from an upright bass. Then the heavy strings awake from their slumber and start popping. A slurring analog keyboard line slides in. Juke joint piano begins to roll. "Yes," Common says with a resounding confidence… Be's intro is inviting, stern, buoyant, and level-headed all at once, establishing a theme of restrained optimism.”

75. “The Story of Yo La Tango” by Yo La Tengo (I'm Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass, 2006)

The more astute reader will notice the misspelling between the song title and the band’s name. This was, of course, quite intentional, playing off of the fact that throughout the band’s long career (going all the way back into the 80’s), nobody has been able to spell their name correctly. Name misspellings aside, this song is part epic and part twelve-minute jam session. It slowly, slowly builds behind the growling, impatient electric guitar strumming before finally reaching a climactic, breakneck pace and then spiraling out of control towards the song’s conclusion.

To be perfectly honest, this track is more of a personal choice than anything else. For me, it evokes the nostalgia of high school (if I were ever to make a photo montage of my high school days, I've always vowed that this would be the track to accompany it). It captures all those feelings I felt at graduation: the uncertainty of college and making that unclear transition to “adulthood,” or whatever that meant; the longing for the simplicity of my early years; the numerous, seemingly irreplaceable friends who would go on to lead different lives, far away, leaving high school but a faded, fond memory. For others, this might just be noise-rock…albeit very good noise rock.

74. “Mr. November” by the National (Alligator, 2005)

What has probably been the cornerstone of the National’s whole game through the years is Matt Berninger’s stoic baritone and his witty (although often obtuse) lyrics. “Mr. November” is no exception to this rule—Berninger drives the song with about as much force as the band's steady rhythm section, to the point that when he shouts “I won’t f*** us over, I’m Mr. November!” you’re right there shouting with him, holding your fist high in the air. Whether or not we understand these lyrics is a moot point. To me, their songs are more about capturing moods, which is something they do quite effectively here.

73. “Paper Planes” by M.I.A. (Kala, 2007)

My BFF Sam hates M.I.A. Well, maybe hate is too strong a word—I think “annoyed by the hype/accolades” might be more fitting. And it’s true, there has certainly been a huge freaking amount of buzz around M.I.A. ever since her second album came out and “Paper Planes” proved to be such a cross-genre Billboard hit. But, as Woody Allen once said, “The heart wants what the heart wants.” And despite the song being overplayed (and strangely used in Slumdog Millionaire), I can’t help but feel a wave of happiness every time I hear those little kids singing followed by that revolver firing in the chorus. It’s a feel-good song. Minus that whole bit about guns and selling fake IDs to refugees and the whatnot. But who listens to lyrics these days anyway?

72. “Playhouses” by TV on the Radio (Return to Cookie Mountain, 2006)

This is a really dense song. It’s brimming to the teeth with an array of sounds (including some frenetic drumming), effects, and distortion that oftentimes challenge and muddle the listener. There's so much going on that it's hard to take it all in at once. And yet that's a part of what makes "Playhouses" so enthralling. Once you've given the song a few listens you begin to appreciate all the little niches and nuances, no matter how dark they may be.

71. "Clark Gable" by the Postal Service (Give Up, 2003)

This song has all the marks of a cheesefest. Delicate, airy vocals. Hopeless romanticism. That synth drum noise found in Phil Collins songs from the 1980’s. Thumpin’ club beat. The list goes on.

And yet, despite these seeming “misgivings,” there is something totally relatable about this song. When Gibbard sings “I need you to pretend that we are in love again,” you believe him. Sure, the premise is nerdy and perhaps even verges on melodrama, but as soon as that hook and the resounding horns in the chorus come together, everything comes together in such a way that the song becomes endearing. Yeah, there are probably more well-written and impressive songs out there, but I’ll be damned if there are any more cheesily irresistible (in the good way).

Listomania: Favorite Songs of the 00's (90-81)

Welp, here's this week's edition of Listomania. Remember, click the song title and it'll take you to the track on the youtubes.

90. “As Serious as Your Life” by Four Tet (Rounds, 2003)

Four Tet makes for great studying music, mainly because his music is so minimalistic: you can hit play on iTunes while reading a book and not worry a bit about the music serving as anything less than great background music. I oftentimes will play online poker while listening to this guy because it keeps me focused and doesn’t distract me with vocals or flashy instrumentals. Not this song. It immediately announces its presence with a distinct, very un-Four Tet guitar riff followed by Kieran Hebden’s classic rhythm section. This song pulsates and clatters—it demands to be listened to, especially on an album where most of the other tracks are very solemn and quiet. To sum things up, it’s a freaking cool song that is chill to the max.

89. “Staring at the Sun” by TV on the Radio (Desperate Youth, Bloodthirsty Babes, 2004)

If I were to describe “Staring at the Sun” in one word, that word might be “driving.” Or “boomboomboom.” The beauty of this song is how the static guitar snarls over Tunde Adebimpe’s simple and oft-repeated lyrics, which only add to the imagery of being overswept (by the elements, a befuddled lover, whatever it is these homies are singing about) as the iteration of each lyric is amplified as the song progresses.

88. “My Lady Story” by Antony and the Johnsons (I Am a Bird Now, 2005)

Antony’s vocals are always the highlight of any song he might be singing on, whether it be with his main project The Johnsons or with electronic group Hercules & Love Affair. The man’s got a voice, and he certainly uses it to its full potential. Upon first-listen, I’d argue that most of us would probably think it was a large, soulful black man singing. Nope: it’s a gay little British man. Yet, despite the evident soul, there’s a sort of ghostly insecurity in his quivering voice, something that has come to serve as Antony’s calling card over the years.

87. “Dark Center of the Universe” by Modest Mouse (The Moon & Antarctica, 2000)

Gah, what an album. What a song. It starts off all kinds of things spacey, with a weightlesss lilt before the guitars come thrashing in alongside Isaac Brock’s lispy, tumultuous voice…and then, back to the airy and weightless. Back to normal. It’s a song with a split personality. But it works, and only in that weird way Modest Mouse alone could do it.

86. “Delicate” by Damien Rice (O, 2002)

I’ve grown out of Damien Rice it seems like. Just about every song of his has something to do with the topic of unrequited or embittered love—themes that the 16-year-old, emo version of me had a much easier time relating to. I almost didn’t include this track from my list…but then I remembered the first time I heard it. My girlfriend Mary sent me the song via snail mail while I was in Germany, suffering from a bit of homesickness. This was early on in our relationship and naturally I still considered myself a romantic, so as soon as Rice’s vulnerable Irish voice shouted to me “WHY’D YOU FILL MY SORROW?” my heart soared as they raced back to memories of Mary and home. Yeah, I know, barforama.

85. “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley (St. Elsewhere, 2006)

Oh, gosh. Who doesn’t remember this song? So much of this decade’s pop has been marred by truly God-awful tunes in the top ten. But what of “Crazy?” It had the kind of grooviness and soul that many of those top ten pop songs imitated but couldn’t quite authentically capture, which is probably why this song was such a cross-genre hit. It had a little something for everyone...although not quite enough for me to rank it higher.

84. “For the Widows in Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilanti” by Sufjan Stevens (Michigan, 2003)

I think it’s pretty safe to say that Sufjan Steven’s album does Michigan great justice. It offers a poignant view of his home state, one that is intimately of its beauty and enchantments yet frank and critical of its faults. Much of the album is pensive and melancholy, something that “Widows in Paradise” typifies: Sufjan’s delicate vocals, the downbeat chorus, the dour trumpets. It’s an immensely personal, fragile song. It was also the one that first put Sufjan on the map.

83. “Clocks” by Coldplay (A Rush of Blood to the Head, 2002)

Another one of those songs that probably everybody from my generation has heard at one point or another. To me it’s an almost strange song for a hit, because it’s anthemic but possesses a sort of drowsiness in the repeating piano riff and Chris Martin’s sleepy delivery. But it’s that freaking piano riff, man. Drowsy or not, it’s one monstrous, expansive hook that demands the listener’s attention from start to finish—and eight years after its inception, I’m still listening.

82. “Twilight” by Elliott Smith (From a Basement on the Hill, 2004)

This song should be higher, but I had a hard time justifying placing it above many of the other tracks on this list, especially considering that this was an unfinished song released posthumously. Despite this being an unfinished product, the song has a grasping resonance. The strumming is slow and simple, with the sole focus being on Smith’s spiderweb-thin, anguished vocals. The instrumental in the middle of the piece is the icing on the cake.

81. “The Rat” by the Walkmen (Bows + Arrows, 2004)

Unhinged, relentless fuming. That’s what this song is. I can think of few songs from this decade that more effectively capture the outrage of love gone bad than the spitted, venomous vocals in “The Rat.” Of course, the song’s vocal acidity would be nothing without the flat-out frenzied cymbal crushing and frittering bassline in what amounts to what might be one of the best "Eff U!" songs ever written.

Movie Villains

I think it was Flannery O'Connor that once said "A good villain is hard to find" (or something like that). This is a very true statement, especially in Hollywood. If I had to guess, the ratio of awesome movie villains to your standard cardboard, run-of-the-mill villains is probably 50 to 1. Because for every Norman Bates or Hannibal Lector we get at least a dozen more Count Dookus or Mr. Freezes.

Seriously?

Anyhow, I digress. We all love the awesome, good-looking hero that saves the day and gets to bang the supermodel at the end of the movie. The thing about good guys, though, is that you're supposed to like them. The script was written with that sole purpose and that's why guy's with million-dollar smiles like Harrison Ford have been able to make a career out of kicking butt. Villains don't have it that easy. We're supposed to revile the ground they walk and eagerly anticipate their grisly demise at the film's climax. So, one could argue that the mark of a really good villain is when the bad guy has you kinda rooting for him by the time the movie is over. This is a pretty rare feat in villaindom--oftentimes when a certain baddie gets enough face time he just ends up hamming it up, which only makes us want to see him get killed off even more.

Now, you may or may not have been wondering, but yes, I'm definitely a qualified source when it comes to the art of villain-making. When I was nine (nine!) years old I wrote my very own James Bond script titled "Bombs are Forever." It was a rather ambitious project that featured your typical action fare: helicopter chases, tank chases, train chases, and even a blimp chase.

Don't act like you're not impressed by the prospect of that last one.

At the time I accurately estimated the costs to film everything at about $1000, half of which was to be used on fireworks for the gunshot sound effects. I was to play the main villain, Zorin (a name I stole from the Bond movie A View to a Kill), while my cousin, Justin, was to star as Bond. Also signed on was my childhood friend Jill, who was to play Bond's love interest (her character was given the rather original name of "Kate Winslet"). Sidenote: In an amusing twist of irony/fate/what have you, they actually did end up together about ten years later. D'AWWWWW! :D

Needless to say our little movie got mired in development hell and never really got past the pre-production stage. This was mainly due to a lack of fundage. That didn't stop me from holding onto the killer script we'd written, however. To give you guys an idea as to what kind of blockbuster the world missed out on, I've affixed some of the best excerpts from the script for your viewing pleasure (with fixed grammar and spelling).

::cuts to Zorin with the ship's previous crew::

2nd Mate: What do you want from us?

Zorin: Jewels, I want them all! I live for jewels! Hahahaha! Number 2!

Number 2 ::arrives a bit late:: Yes, sir?

Zorin: Hey, what took you so long, Number 2? Were you taking a Number 2?

Number 2: Clever joke, sir.

Zorin: I don't think that's all the passengers.

Number 2: Don't worry, I'll find them like a hotdog finds a bun.

I was nine when I wrote that. Nine! Hard to believe I'm not heading Dream Works or Paramount by now. And you think that dialogue is Oscar-worthy? Just get a load of the movie's gripping finale (please ignore the random interjections the guards yell when they die. Not sure what I was thinking with those):

::Bond appears from the bushes, shooting guard 4:: Spleeen! ::dies::
Guard 3: Hey, don’t shoot! I’m unarmed! ::sticks his hands in the air::
Bond ::shoots the guard anyways:: License to kill.
::Zorin shoots at Bond, missing::
::Bond hits Zorin, pushes him down and aims his gun at him::
Zorin: Good move. For England, James?
Bond: No. For Ethan.
::Zorin kicks Bond and when he fires he misses::
::Zorin rolls down and grabs gun::
Zorin: Ta-ta for now, Mr. Bond.
Bond: Watch my watch. ::Watch hits Zorin in the face::
Zorin: Ee-gee-gee!::Zorin falls and dies::
Kate ::runs over to Bond:: James!
Bond: Kate!
Kate: I’m coming. ::Kate reaches Bond and they hold each other:: Are you alright?
Bond: I’m fine, thank you.
Kate: Ohhh, James. ::touches his leg::

-The End?-

NO!

::Zorin gets up::
Zorin: I can’t die! ::unhooks grenade from his belt, then runs over to Kate and Bond::
Kate: Oh, James, kiss me!
Zorin: Hahahaha! BOOM! BOOM!
::Kate is about to kiss Bond when Zorin runs over to them and they all explode::

The End

They just don't make them like that anymore. I think we ended the movie that way mainly just so Bond didn't have to kiss the girl at the end, because kissing was gross. Anyhow, as you can tell, I know my stuff when it comes to making a good villain, which is why I now give you a few examples of my on-screen favorites:

Alec Trevelyan (GoldenEye)

Trevelyan is probably my favorite Bond villain. This is partly because I grew up playing GoldenEye nonstop as a kid, although it's also in part because Sean Bean knows how to play the villain. What kind of set Trevelyan apart from other Bond baddies was the fact that he was a former 00 and Bond's best friend. Well, ex-best friend. Trevelyan ended up betraying Bond in order for Trevelyan to get revenge on England for...betraying his parents by causing his father to kill his wife and commit suicide? Or something like that? Just seems counterproductive, really.

Anyhow, the fact that him and James were former bffs/assumed Eskimo brothers added a lot more weight to the tit-for-tat interactions and witty dialogue between him and Bond. This all set the stage for one killer fight scene at the end of the movie that's probably on par with the train fight in From Russia With Love. Unfortunately, this is the only flick that features Trevelyan, as the fight kind of ended badly for him. I'm mainly referring to the part where the giant space antenna fell on him...after he'd fallen some 300 feet from said antenna. That's one way to go out, I guess.

Favorite Trevelyan Quote: "What's the matter, James? No glib remark? No pithy comeback?"

Trevelyan Fun Fact: Trevelyan is the only 00 Agent other than Bond to get any sizable screen time with a speaking part. Others are seen only briefly in minor roles.

Favorite Trevelyan Clip: The fight scene on the cradle.

Hans Gruber (Die Hard)

Die Hard is one of my all-time favorite action movies, mainly due to the job Alan Rickman (SNAPE!) does as classy German terrorist/thief/mastermind Hans Gruber. The best part about Gruber is his how calculating and intelligent he is, traits he uses throughout the film as his primary weapon, moreso than his handgun (although he's not afraid to get his hands dirty and bump off an uncooperative Chinaman or two). Some of the best examples of his cunning is when he tells one of his cronies to "shoot the glass" solely to inflict further injury to Bruce Willis' character. Gruber is one of the best (and maybe the first) example of a bad guy that just exudes cool by maintaining an air of sophistication all while taking hostages and robbing a building.

Favorite Hans Gruber Quote: "'And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.' Benefits of a classical education."

Hans Gruber Fun Fact: In the German dubbing of the film, all of the names of the German terrorists were changed to American names. This was mainly because German terrorism (especially the Red Army Faction) was a very sensitive subject when the film was released in the late 80's.

Favorite Hans Gruber Clip: Embedding was disabled, so just click here. It's worth it!

Darth Vader (original Star Wars trilogy)

Being a lifelong Star Wars fan, I might be letting my personal biases get in the way when I say this, but...Darth Vader is the greatest kicker of asses in cinema history. Hands down. The dude did everything. He tortured peeps, blew homies and planets up, and maimed right hands, all in spectacular fashion. All while wearing a rad metal suit that didn't allow for any neck movement. Seriously. The man had to turn his body any time he wanted to look left...and yet it was that full body movement that made him look all the more menacing.

While Vader's physical appearance is intimidating and memorable, it's his voice that is unforgettable. James Earl Jones' voice was the perfect fit for the role: deep, strong, rich, majestic, licentious. There simply are not enough adjectives in the English language to describe how awesome this man's voice is. His vocals are about as synonymous with Star Wars as llightsabers or its music. What's really interesting is trying to imagine Vader without the voice. Oh, wait, we don't have to. Here's a clip of David Prowse, the actor who played Vader (sans vocals) doing what sounds like a Dark Helmet impression:

Now compare that to this:

Oh, bit of a spoiler in that clip. Sorry about that. So yeah, the voice makes the man when it comes to Vader--not to discredit his physicality/overall villainous nature, which is just as important. I mean, for crying out loud, he choked a guy from across the room...with his mind.

With his mind.

Favorite Vader Quote: "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Favorite Vader Fun Fact: Vader was created by concept artist Ralph McQuarrie when he drew the initial scene where Vader and his stormtroopers board the Rebel ship in A New Hope. It was initially imagined that Vader would fly through space to reach the ship, therefore necessitating a suit and breathing mask. Once it became clear that Vader looked like a total badass, the suit and mask were made permanent and incorporated into the story.

Favorite Vader Clip: The duel on Cloud City.

Shooter McGavin (Happy Gilmore)

The man. The myth. The legend. Behold, the greatest villain in cinema history--nay, the greatest character in cinema history. Shooter McGavin is so influential, so important, that my mere mortal words can do no justice in describing the man's infamy, so I will refrain from even attempting to describe what makes "The Great One" so amazing.

Favorite Shooter McGavin Quote: "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast."

Shooter McGavin Fun Fact: Eats pieces of shit for breakfast.

Favorite Shooter McGavin Clip: Shooter's celebration when he sinks one in.

That's the stuff of legends right there. Anyhow, until next time, folks.