Stupid Phrases and Expressions That Make Me Want to Kill a Puppy

Yes, even him.

Ah, yes. The beauty that is the English vernacular. There's nothing quite like it on earth in terms of eloquence and sheer melodiousness. It is the language upon which all other languages SHALL be judged. Don't believe me? Well, tell me then, why do Europeans practically melt every time an American tourist demands to pay for something in American dollars? Tell me why Africans are so perplexed by our ability to put together sentences without making clicking noises or extravagant gestures with out hands. And explain to me why our ability to use a multitude of different tones and pitches in our voices has garnered the jealousy of Asians, who sadly have but one pitch: LOUD.

It truly is wonderful to be an American, where English was made.

All kidding aside (but not really), English is a pretty cool language. Maybe not as cool as French, but it at least totally kicks Lithuanian's butt. And don't even get me started with Finnish. Despite this, the English language ain't perfect and neither are its speakers. We constantly use expressions that don't mean what we intend for them to mean, which aren't nearly as bad as the little filler phrases that don't mean anything at all. And believe me when I say that everybody uses these dumb phrases at some point or another. Heck, I'm trying my darnedest to avoid using one of them right now. Irony can be so cruel sometimes. So, without further delay, here are the phrases/expressions that annoy me the most.

1. "You have no idea."

Example: Man, life can be so sad sometimes, YOU HAVE NO IDEA!

Okay, fine. I'm sure in some instances the recipient of the remark "you have no idea" truly has "no idea" as to what the person is expressing. But most of the time when someone says "you have no idea," a lot of us have at least a pretty decent idea as to whatever it is they're referring to. This is because most of us have a good grasp as to how empathy works, so when someone says something like "man, losing my job sucked," it's not too difficult for most humans to momentarily put themselves in that person's shoes and have at least a general idea as to what they're experiencing. You don't need to add "you have no idea" to the end of a statement like that unless the person you're talking to is an infant or mentally retarded, at which point it might actually be a fair assessment.

I hear it all the time, though: "this means so much to me, you have no idea," "it's so hard being a girl, you have no idea," or "burying dead hookers under my crawlspace is so time-consuming, you have no idea." Every time I hear that phrase tacked onto the end of a sentence I just think to myself "well, let's see, this concept you've placed before me isn't exactly molecular nanoscience, so I'm pretty sure I at least have some basic 'idea' as to what you're trying to convey."

2. "You're kidding, right?"

Example: You haven't heard of Jackson Pollock? A-ha-ha. Wait, you're kidding, right?

This phrase needs to be stricken outright. It is snarky, rude, and serves no real purpose other than to belittle someone. It's a cop-out from saying what you're really thinking, which is "wow, you're $@#%ing stupid." Another statement in the same vein is "you're not serious, are you?" These expressions suck. Stop saying them.

3. ... (overuse of ellipses)

Example: Hmm...America's overuse of ellipses...makes me want to...uioerthuisejgrFUUUUU

Don't get me wrong, I like ellipses...when they're used properly (lolz, see what I did thar? I's clever). I don't like ellipses when there are at least four sets of them in your facebook status. Ellipses should be used for pauses in speech, unfinished thoughts, or for when you're wanting to trail off at the end of a sentence for dramatic effect...

What bothers me is when people use them following a statement that doesn't require ellipses, like, for example, "thank you..." or "okay..." This just makes you look unsure--or, in layman's terms, stupid. I mean, God forbid we use a period or a semi-colon. Even worse (and this applies primarily to the internet realm) is when you say something and a person's response is "...", which pretty much says the exact same thing as #2 on this list does.

4. "I'm sure you'll do great" (and similar blind votes of confidence)

Example: "Haven't heard back from that law school yet? Well, I'm SURE you'll get in."

This one grinds my gears. Sure, the person is trying to be nice and instill some assurance in you, but in reality most of us just think to ourselves "really? You're sure? What makes you so sure, Mr. Omniscient?" When I say something like "man, I think I might have done badly on that test," I mean just that. I know my brain, I know the exam I just took, and I know the two did not get along very well. I don't need someone to tell me "I'm sure you did fine" when I know darn well that my performance on that exam was something akin to this:

5. "Can I borrow your...[insert unborrowable object here]"

Example: Hey, you mind if I borrow a cigarette?

Here's another dumb phrase that doesn't make a lot of sense but everybody still uses. We as Americans don't like to be upfront about anything ever and often find ways to sugarcoat what we really mean, including when we want to take or use something that doesn't belong to us. There are plenty of situations when "can I borrow your..." works ("stapler," "phone," "handgun"). The problem is that we oftentimes use it in situations where we're not borrowing at all. We're taking.

I mean, tell me, good sir, do you genuinely intend to "borrow" my piece of paper and return it to me at a later date? Or should you be saying what you really mean, which is "mind if I use a piece of paper to write on?"

6. "I gave it 110%."

Example: Well, my boys came out to play today and gave it 110%, so that's why we won.

Okay, before I begin, I get this idiom. I get what it's trying to convey; i.e., that someone worked so hard that they gave everything they had and then some. Yet, while I might be bad at math, I at least have enough basic understanding to know that 110% is technically impossible when 100% is all there is. Heck, even giving 100% is not a viable strategy because you can't "give everything you've got" without kicking the bucket. I mean, just think of what would happen to your car engine if you "gave it 110%."

It would explode.

Saying "110%" is the same thing as having an amp that "goes to eleven" in the sense that it devalues the preset rules we have in place regarding percentages. Kind of like in Dragonball Z where the characters kept finding ways to reach new Super Saiyan levels, at which point viewers were just like "come on, wtf? What happened to Super Saiyan 3 being the end-all?"

You guys know what I'm talking about.

Freakin' Spirit Bomb, that's what.

7. Pronouncing words in their native tongue

Example: In other news today, there was an Earthquake in Meh-hee-ko.

This is probably a personal pet peeve moreso than anything else, but it irks me to no end when people pronounce foreign countries or places the way natives of that country to do. The worst offender that comes to mind is when all the news anchors made the switch from calling Chile "Chili" to "Chee-lay." Now, I'm all about world awareness and respecting other people's cultures. The thing is, we've got to be consistent here. We can't just pick and choose which countries we refer to in their native tongues and which ones we don't. It's woefully pretentious. Why make the switch to calling it "Chee-lay" when you're not calling France "Frahnce" or Germany "Deutschland?" Yarrrrhhhhhhhhhhh

8. "No offense, but..."

Example: No offense, but your band sucks.

Here's another one of those quips where we say the exact opposite of what we're really intending. The worst part about this one is that everybody, everybody knows how it works. Anytime someone prefaces a statement with "no offense," everybody knows that some sort of insult or snide remark is sure to follow. It's just another example of English-speakers camouflaging what they really mean. Either grow some a pair and just say what you're trying to say outright or just follow the etiquette of "if you can't say anything nice..."

9. "At the end of the day,"

Example: At the end of the day, being really rich is awesome.

"At the end of the day" is the cliche of all cliches. It means nothing and in reality translates to "filler statement followed by stupid anecdote meant to inspire." Just say "ultimately." Seriously.

Conclusion

These empty phrases and sayings are everywhere in our language and are the linguistic equivalent of a Cambodian minefield. If I ever meet a Tibetan Mystic that grants wishes, my first wish would be to strip all the asinine phraseology us English-speakers use on a daily basis. My second wish would be to have a giant Submarine in the shape of an octopus. But I digress.

While some of our words and witticisms are pretty sweet, it's stolid utterances like these that unfortunately seem to take up the brunt of our vernacular. Heck, with all these filler sentences that mean nothing floating around, I'm beginning to wonder if we're no different from Furbies.

Me love you.

Just something to think about.