Adventures with Chatroulette

The Return of the Blog?

Well, hey. What's up? Nothing much. Anyway, I might be reviving this sucker, especially considering that I never finished posting my thoughts on my Favorite 100 Songs of the Decade. So, gonna try and knock that out of the park. I'll work on that later. In the mean time...

Note: This was written about 7 months ago but I never got around to publishing it. Figured "oh what the heck," although I s'pose that chatroullete's 15 minutes of fame are over at this point. But, better late than never, right?

I am here today to tell you about my Adventures with the website known as "chatroulette." It is a cautionary tale--one mired in unhappiness, I'm afraid. I saw many things on this journey of mine. Things I'd never seen before. Things that frightened me in ways that I'd never even dreamed of. Things that made me doubt my faith in humanity. This journey was not an easy one. It was fraught with difficulties and oftentimes I found myself questioning the purpose of the mission altogether. Let's just say that if I were a woman, I would have curled up into a ball and wept. I also probably wouldn't be a very good driver--but that's another story altogether.

Thankfully, I'm a man, and I although at the time it seemed impossible, I eventually was able to traverse through the Jungle of Pervy Old Dudes and tread water in the Lake of the Nasty Euro-Trash Creepers before finally taking shelter near the Cape of Brotherly Love. And while physically I emerged unscathed, the mental torment I was subjected to during my time on chatroulette might be something I carry with me for the rest of my life. I've seen things...

By now a good percentage of you guys have probably heard the buzz on "chatroulette." For those of you who haven't heard and are probably utterly confused over my opening paragraphs, chatroulette is essentially a free website that pairs random strangers from across the world for webcam conversations. At any point you want you can bail on the person you're chatting with by clicking the "next" button, which will direct your webcam to another random individual. There's no sign up, no user names--just you and an anonymous, unblinking stranger. In all likelihood this unblinking stranger will not be wearing pants.

So that right there is the charm of chatroulette. You can hide under the anonymity of the internet while carrying on a conversation with someone from across the globe you probably never would have met otherwise. Unfortunately, that's where the charm ends. If you do decide to log onto chatroulette upon reading this post, please take heed of my words (for this is a cautionary tale, after all): it's all dicks. Figuratively and literally. In my travels I would estimate that over 90% of the people I got connected to were dudes and that about 20% of these dudes were...disrobed. And that's as nicely as I'm going to put it. Remember, this tale is not for the faint of heart.

Before I describe to you in graphic detail the nature of my exploits, I want to remind you fine folk we (for I was not alone, thankfully) were not quite sure what to expect when we first got on chatroulette. I'd like to tell you that we went along with the site's intended purpose and had all sorts of darling conversations with individuals of varying races, ethnicities, and (most importantly) genders. Unfortunately, that would be a bold-faced lie. About five minutes into the exercise we just chucked that whole idea and spent the rest of our time trying to find hot chicks. If this sad reality repulses you, I apologize. However, let it be known that I'm no different than any other red-blooded American male who loves freedom, football, and chatting with babes on the internet. Booyah.

Alright, enough of that. Let's get down to the meat of the piece. For your viewing pleasures I have included with this entry a list of all the clowns and characters you're likely to run into on chatroulette. It ain't pretty. You have been warned.

Name: The Saucy Senior

Classification: Creepy Old Dude

Latin Name: Creepus Maximus

Frequency of Sighting: Less than 1% (which is still way too much)

In a perfect world old people would do exactly what they're supposed to do: play bingo, fall asleep watching tv, and give you money. That's it. Unfortunately, these days not all old people are adhering to the norms this wonderful society has set forth for them. Instead of sitting around listening to old Perry Como tunes or watching VHS tapes of The Ed Sullivan Show these mossbacks are attempting to re-enter the society that shunned them after they started receiving freebies from us in the form of "Medicare." So, you can only imagine my displeasure whenever I come across an old person out of their habitat (I'm looking at you, Buzz Aldrin. You know darn well that Dancing With the Stars should be the epitaph on your overdue tombstone). This displeasure is amplified times infinity when I come across an old person...on the internet. Our domain! Ours! Little known fact: old people using the internet is the unspoken epidemic responsible for much of the world's current ailments.

In relation to chatroulette, I don't think there is any greater horror than perusing the site for some hotties only to get paired up with some goggle-eyed grandpa chicken-pecking at the keyboard. Just the mere thought of that image makes me shudder. Yet, the thing about the ones on chatroulette is that they're not your typical oldbies. Tell me, what kind of old person would spent their time on a site where most of the users are male and a good percentage of those males spend their time in front of the camera tickling their Elmos for all the world to see? That's what I thought: a freaking creepy one.

Name:

Classification: Dudes in Costume

Latin Name: Uglius Insecuras

Frequency of Sighting: Around 5%

This is probably the most harmless entity I came across during my time on chatroulette. Other than an actual girl, a person in a costume is probably the second best thing you could probably hope to see on chatroulette, for a number of reasons:

1. In order to wear said outfit, one must be clothed. Hypothetically.

2. Since old people don't wear anything other than slacks and overalls, the odds of a creepy old guy using a disguise to trick you are relatively low.

3. Because the individual is wearing a mask or costume, you can pretty much assume that they're fugly, which should result in a boost of self-esteem. This kind of small victory is paramount to one's survival on chatroulette.

4. Occasionally the costumes are fairly amusing, as demonstrated in this photo provided by one of my colleagues:

Note: It can be assumed that the individual in the above photo is a costumed masquerader, because we all know that a ninja never reveals himself unless he's about to slice off your head.

So while a dude wearing a costume is certainly preferable to some of the nasty alternatives, that's not to say that this personage is not without its defects. In the best case scenario you'll come across two dudes dressed as Mario and Luigi. In some unfortunate cases, you could end up with something like this:

Catman never sleeps.

In summary, my recommendation when coming across a costume-dweller is to remain in a state of guarded amusement. You can never be too careful on this site, because the moment you stop maintaining that heightened level of alertness is the moment a giant weiner pops up on your screen.

Note: And this is where I stopped working. I guess I couldn't come up with a creative Latin name for people holding signs on chatroulette--not that the other names were barn-burners. Ah well. So yeah, gonna stop here. Kind of lost my legal pad with all ma' notes, so, yeah. But hey, stay tuned. I might be updating this sucker more often.

<>

Ah, yes, I suppose there's been a bit of a delay of sorts lately

Sorry about that. Not that most of you have been waiting on hand and foot for my next blog post, but for all three of you that have, I apologize. It's been a combination of getting swamped by school and just the very general condition of laziness. I'm hoping to have something to turn out to you guys pretty soon here, so just bear with me as I try to close out the school semester. Don't worry, the bloggage ain't done.

k, bai.

Listomania: Favorite Songs of the 00's (50-41)

50. "Shine a Light" by Wolf Parade (Apologies to the Queen Mary, 2005)

There's a certain sort of song that has a special place in my heart, and it's the driving, guitar-driven rock anthem--something "Shine a Light" is an archetype of. As soon as the song begins the listener is given quick-stepped, urgent guitar strumming bracketed with calculator-synth sounds that persist throughout the song's four-minute running time. Since their inception Wolf Parade have been known for their unique vocals, which consist of Dan Boeckner's gruffness and Spencer Krug's Bowie-esque warble, so it's really cool on this track especially to see the two voices play off of each other. Ultimately, it's the song's ability to convey the feeling of resilience despite confusion that makes it stand out. It's unexpectedly moving stuff for such a foot-tapper.

49. "My Love" by Justin Timberlake (FutureSex/LoveSounds, 2006)

I'm not going to lie, my initial reaction to Justin Timberlake was one of aversion. Perhaps this was because I've never had a huge ear for pop or because at the time I was still attaching to him all the stigma normally associated with boy bands. No matter, the man won me over. In 2006, upon the release of this album, you could say that the new "king of pop" had been crowned, with "My Love" being his coronation. Pay no mind to the run-of-the-mill loveydovey lyrics: it's JT's style that makes this song, what with his sugar-sweet falsetto and suave delivery that succinctly convey to any girl that it's babymakin' time. And then to top it all off is an immensely catchy beat and some infectious synthesizers that only further the notion that this song is in the same, special group as those written by Michael Jackson in the 1980's (i.e., pop, but darn good pop).

48. "One Two Three Four" by Feist (The Reminder, 2007)

Maybe I'll always have a soft spot for Feist since she's a member of Broken Social Scene, but this is also just a genuinely catchy, musically jubilant track that is the musical equivalent of a warm summer day spent in your hammock. Her airy vocals are relaxed yet soaring (but not to the point of being over-the-top) and fit together perfectly with the song's dense instrumentation (banjo, horns, a rickety piano). What's interesting is that in this particular selection of ten songs (50-41 on the list, that is), five are, arguably, examples of "pop perfection," with this track being among those five.

47. "Since I Left You" by the Avalanches (Since I Left You, 2001)

Here's one that's going to leave a smile on your face. It's amazing to me that on an album that contains over 900 samples, this band is able to find the right mixture to create something undeniably addictive and captivating. On "Since I Left You" the samples are all over the place, although most have a sort of tropical feel to them, with light-hearted flutes, sunny strings, a girlish tenor, and a looping beat that all come together in a composition that is nothing short of buoyant.

46. "Electric Feel" by MGMT (Oracular Spectacular, 2007)

Another one of those songs that has "summer" written all over it. Making use of a Bee Gees-esque falsetto, the boys coo and strut around on "Electric Feel" in a way that would have made Prince proud. While on occasion the band can become bloated by the diverse musical styles in their repertoire, on "Electric Feel" they find a happy equilibrium for their spacey, electro-funk and disco theatrics. Maybe it's the snappy bassline or the chorus that brims with energy, but this is one astonishingly fresh-sounding track despite being steeped in retro sounds.

45. "At Least That's What You Said" by Wilco (a ghost is born, 2004)

Ah, yes, Wilco's take on the age-old breakup song. The song starts off typical enough for your standard breakup fare: slow guitar strumming and delicate piano chords followed by Jeff Tweedy's quietly mournful lyrics...and then suddenly, around the two-minute mark, the still air is punctuated by the violent snap of a distorted electric guitar followed by the dramatic booming of drums and bass. The guitar then takes over the rest of the song, driving it with the force of a punch to the stomach. It's an immensely bitter track, as witnessed by the absolute thrashing Tweedy gives his SG. It's also a beautiful track in the sense that the band lets the aggressive guitar solo (one of my all-time favorites) do all the talking necessary to convey the turbulent nature of a bad breakup.

44. "Haiti" by Arcade Fire (Funeral, 2004)

Regine Chassagne takes lead vocals here (normally the job of husband Win Butler) and alternates between French and English in a song that is essentially a tribute to the land her family emigrated from. To Chassagne, Haiti is a nation that still remains very much apart of her and her family's lives, despite its deathly societal and natural problems. What's interesting is how peppy the music sounds: the guitar strumming is vivacious and the bass line dapper as the listener is essentially transported to the exotic island, with cool water effects to boot. Yet, despite how upbeat the music may sound, the lyrics are uniformly heartbreaking, making reference to the death and chaos her family escaped from; themes that fit all too well with the album's "funeral" theme. What's interesting is how the song's upbeat sound contrasts starkly with its lyrics, much like how Haiti's tropical locale contrasts with its violent history.

43. "Mykonos" by Fleet Foxes (Sun Giant EP, 2008)

If I could write melodies half as good as this one I wouldn't be writing this list right now; I'd probably be off touring the country with my awesome band (The Birmingham Bricklayers) and living off the royalties I received from licensing my songs to car-makers for their commercials. What's cool about Fleet Foxes though is how all the dudes can sing, kind of like The Eagles or CSNY back in the day. "Mykonos" begins with a wordless harmony from the band before Robin Pecknold's powerful vocals take over and drive the rest of the song (although the rest of the boys all join in for a powerful a capella near the middle). The song's sound as a whole hearkens back to the old-timey, woodsy feel of songs past, which is no small feat in the day of advanced electronics and computerized soundscapes.

42. "Young Folks" by Peter Bjorn And John (Writer's Block, 2006)

Oh, man. The whistling! PB & J's breakthrough single was so huge when it came out (for an indie song at least), mainly due to its effortless melody perpetuated by that whistling, that freaking catchy whistling. It's a very breezy song that on top of the whistling bit features some deadpan (but surprisingly beautiful) male and female vocals and bongo drumming. It's just excellent pop music with incomparable universal appeal--even someone who has never heard the song before is going to be tapping their feet by song's end.

41. "99 Problems" by Jay-Z (The Black Album, 2003)

Yeah, Jay-Z was big before this song, but this was the one that propelled him to super stardom. I mean, just as a testament to the song's influence, the phrase "I got 99 problems..." has pretty much become apart of the common vernacular. The Rick Rubin-produced track is mainly made up of a stripped down beat and a stadium-sized guitar riff that loop throughout the track. And while the riff is pretty monstrous, it's Jay-Z's surefooted lyrics and confident swagger that command the track. What's really neat to see is one of the most memorable moments in music from the past decade: in the song's last verse Jay-Z spouts out the lyric "you're crazy for this one, Rick," at which point you can almost see Jay-Z's huge grin beaming back at Rick Rubin in the sound booth, both of them knowing that they'd just nailed it, big time.

Stupid Phrases and Expressions That Make Me Want to Kill a Puppy

Yes, even him.

Ah, yes. The beauty that is the English vernacular. There's nothing quite like it on earth in terms of eloquence and sheer melodiousness. It is the language upon which all other languages SHALL be judged. Don't believe me? Well, tell me then, why do Europeans practically melt every time an American tourist demands to pay for something in American dollars? Tell me why Africans are so perplexed by our ability to put together sentences without making clicking noises or extravagant gestures with out hands. And explain to me why our ability to use a multitude of different tones and pitches in our voices has garnered the jealousy of Asians, who sadly have but one pitch: LOUD.

It truly is wonderful to be an American, where English was made.

All kidding aside (but not really), English is a pretty cool language. Maybe not as cool as French, but it at least totally kicks Lithuanian's butt. And don't even get me started with Finnish. Despite this, the English language ain't perfect and neither are its speakers. We constantly use expressions that don't mean what we intend for them to mean, which aren't nearly as bad as the little filler phrases that don't mean anything at all. And believe me when I say that everybody uses these dumb phrases at some point or another. Heck, I'm trying my darnedest to avoid using one of them right now. Irony can be so cruel sometimes. So, without further delay, here are the phrases/expressions that annoy me the most.

1. "You have no idea."

Example: Man, life can be so sad sometimes, YOU HAVE NO IDEA!

Okay, fine. I'm sure in some instances the recipient of the remark "you have no idea" truly has "no idea" as to what the person is expressing. But most of the time when someone says "you have no idea," a lot of us have at least a pretty decent idea as to whatever it is they're referring to. This is because most of us have a good grasp as to how empathy works, so when someone says something like "man, losing my job sucked," it's not too difficult for most humans to momentarily put themselves in that person's shoes and have at least a general idea as to what they're experiencing. You don't need to add "you have no idea" to the end of a statement like that unless the person you're talking to is an infant or mentally retarded, at which point it might actually be a fair assessment.

I hear it all the time, though: "this means so much to me, you have no idea," "it's so hard being a girl, you have no idea," or "burying dead hookers under my crawlspace is so time-consuming, you have no idea." Every time I hear that phrase tacked onto the end of a sentence I just think to myself "well, let's see, this concept you've placed before me isn't exactly molecular nanoscience, so I'm pretty sure I at least have some basic 'idea' as to what you're trying to convey."

2. "You're kidding, right?"

Example: You haven't heard of Jackson Pollock? A-ha-ha. Wait, you're kidding, right?

This phrase needs to be stricken outright. It is snarky, rude, and serves no real purpose other than to belittle someone. It's a cop-out from saying what you're really thinking, which is "wow, you're $@#%ing stupid." Another statement in the same vein is "you're not serious, are you?" These expressions suck. Stop saying them.

3. ... (overuse of ellipses)

Example: Hmm...America's overuse of ellipses...makes me want to...uioerthuisejgrFUUUUU

Don't get me wrong, I like ellipses...when they're used properly (lolz, see what I did thar? I's clever). I don't like ellipses when there are at least four sets of them in your facebook status. Ellipses should be used for pauses in speech, unfinished thoughts, or for when you're wanting to trail off at the end of a sentence for dramatic effect...

What bothers me is when people use them following a statement that doesn't require ellipses, like, for example, "thank you..." or "okay..." This just makes you look unsure--or, in layman's terms, stupid. I mean, God forbid we use a period or a semi-colon. Even worse (and this applies primarily to the internet realm) is when you say something and a person's response is "...", which pretty much says the exact same thing as #2 on this list does.

4. "I'm sure you'll do great" (and similar blind votes of confidence)

Example: "Haven't heard back from that law school yet? Well, I'm SURE you'll get in."

This one grinds my gears. Sure, the person is trying to be nice and instill some assurance in you, but in reality most of us just think to ourselves "really? You're sure? What makes you so sure, Mr. Omniscient?" When I say something like "man, I think I might have done badly on that test," I mean just that. I know my brain, I know the exam I just took, and I know the two did not get along very well. I don't need someone to tell me "I'm sure you did fine" when I know darn well that my performance on that exam was something akin to this:

5. "Can I borrow your...[insert unborrowable object here]"

Example: Hey, you mind if I borrow a cigarette?

Here's another dumb phrase that doesn't make a lot of sense but everybody still uses. We as Americans don't like to be upfront about anything ever and often find ways to sugarcoat what we really mean, including when we want to take or use something that doesn't belong to us. There are plenty of situations when "can I borrow your..." works ("stapler," "phone," "handgun"). The problem is that we oftentimes use it in situations where we're not borrowing at all. We're taking.

I mean, tell me, good sir, do you genuinely intend to "borrow" my piece of paper and return it to me at a later date? Or should you be saying what you really mean, which is "mind if I use a piece of paper to write on?"

6. "I gave it 110%."

Example: Well, my boys came out to play today and gave it 110%, so that's why we won.

Okay, before I begin, I get this idiom. I get what it's trying to convey; i.e., that someone worked so hard that they gave everything they had and then some. Yet, while I might be bad at math, I at least have enough basic understanding to know that 110% is technically impossible when 100% is all there is. Heck, even giving 100% is not a viable strategy because you can't "give everything you've got" without kicking the bucket. I mean, just think of what would happen to your car engine if you "gave it 110%."

It would explode.

Saying "110%" is the same thing as having an amp that "goes to eleven" in the sense that it devalues the preset rules we have in place regarding percentages. Kind of like in Dragonball Z where the characters kept finding ways to reach new Super Saiyan levels, at which point viewers were just like "come on, wtf? What happened to Super Saiyan 3 being the end-all?"

You guys know what I'm talking about.

Freakin' Spirit Bomb, that's what.

7. Pronouncing words in their native tongue

Example: In other news today, there was an Earthquake in Meh-hee-ko.

This is probably a personal pet peeve moreso than anything else, but it irks me to no end when people pronounce foreign countries or places the way natives of that country to do. The worst offender that comes to mind is when all the news anchors made the switch from calling Chile "Chili" to "Chee-lay." Now, I'm all about world awareness and respecting other people's cultures. The thing is, we've got to be consistent here. We can't just pick and choose which countries we refer to in their native tongues and which ones we don't. It's woefully pretentious. Why make the switch to calling it "Chee-lay" when you're not calling France "Frahnce" or Germany "Deutschland?" Yarrrrhhhhhhhhhhh

8. "No offense, but..."

Example: No offense, but your band sucks.

Here's another one of those quips where we say the exact opposite of what we're really intending. The worst part about this one is that everybody, everybody knows how it works. Anytime someone prefaces a statement with "no offense," everybody knows that some sort of insult or snide remark is sure to follow. It's just another example of English-speakers camouflaging what they really mean. Either grow some a pair and just say what you're trying to say outright or just follow the etiquette of "if you can't say anything nice..."

9. "At the end of the day,"

Example: At the end of the day, being really rich is awesome.

"At the end of the day" is the cliche of all cliches. It means nothing and in reality translates to "filler statement followed by stupid anecdote meant to inspire." Just say "ultimately." Seriously.

Conclusion

These empty phrases and sayings are everywhere in our language and are the linguistic equivalent of a Cambodian minefield. If I ever meet a Tibetan Mystic that grants wishes, my first wish would be to strip all the asinine phraseology us English-speakers use on a daily basis. My second wish would be to have a giant Submarine in the shape of an octopus. But I digress.

While some of our words and witticisms are pretty sweet, it's stolid utterances like these that unfortunately seem to take up the brunt of our vernacular. Heck, with all these filler sentences that mean nothing floating around, I'm beginning to wonder if we're no different from Furbies.

Me love you.

Just something to think about.

Listomania: Favorite Songs of the 00's (60-51)

Man, we're almost halfway there. The one downside to stretching this list out to ten weeks is that I'm beginning to discover tracks that probably could have made the list. Ah, well. Too late to turn back now!

60. “Losing My Edge” by LCD Soundsystem (LCD Soundsystem, 2005)

For my take on “Losing My Edge” I’m going to borrow popmatter.com’s description of LCD Soundsystem’s James Murphy, as it pretty much sums up the whole song:

“He's like the much cooler version of us. He is the big white music nerd who actually went on to do something about it by co-founding DFA Records and producing the coolest music in the world: post-punk post-funk punk-funk, new wave that also sounds like no wave, tunes that make dancers confused as to whether they should pogo or do the pelvic thrust, music that incorporates all other musics.”

That, in a nutshell, is "Losing My Edge." It's not your typical electronic/dance song, as it is essentially James Murphy monologuing over scratchy computer beats and a throbbing bass line. What carries the track, however, is Murphy's deadpan delivery of some of the hippest lyrics imaginable.

59. “All Caps” by Madvillain (Madvillainy, 2004)

While “All Caps” is a mere two-minute snippet from MF Doom and Madlib’s 2004 comic book-themed opus, it is also the album's highpoint. The beat is incredibly varied, featuring a rattling piano trill and a riveting jazz sample that blends together nicely with Doom’s monotone rasp. This song is an example of when hip-hop can really, really work: that is, when you can hear the chemistry between producer and emcee.

58. “Such Great Heights” by the Postal Service (Give Up, 2003)

If I had any say in what songs became popular and what ones didn’t, the Postal Service would still be riding the coattails of this song’s success while Owl City would be wiping tables at Cheddar’s. “Such Great Heights” is the song that perhaps best epitomizes the Postal Service as it combines a dreamy atmosphere with slick synth beats and Ben Gibbard’s peppy vocals to create one of the best pop songs that never got quite the recognition it would have had they been signed to a major label…on the bright side, in UPS commercials the dude with the bad long hair uses the song as background music while he does those astonishingly good whiteboard drawings.

57. “Obstacle 1” by Interpol (Turn On the Bright Lights, 2002)

Emotional disconnection at its most loud and blatant; it’s a fierce song with callous eruptions of anger and unsettling imagery throughout. While Paul Banks' distinct, pained vocals are the song's highlight, the shrill guitars and muddied atmospherics certainly help. It's amazing to me that rock-drenched songs like "Obstacle 1" can still retain this immediate feeling of urgent vulnerability as the song's narrator attempts to nurse his emotional wounds. It's really, really powerful stuff. To be honest, I think this song affects me emotionally every time I listen to it, especially the lyric “She puts the weights into my little heart."

56. “Map of the Problematique” by Muse (Black Holes and Revelations, 2006)

The pulse/beat of “Problematique” sounds like something you'd hear played at LaserQuest or taken straight out of Depeche Mode's songbook—if Depeche Mode had guns-blazing arpeggio-rockin' guitars and Matthew Bellamy’s banshee falsetto, that is. Muse have always had a penchant for melodrama on their albums (not necessarily in the bad way either—please see “Knights of Cydonia” to see what I’m talking about), so when this rave-ready rocker hits about three or four tracks into Black Holes and Revelations, my gut reaction was “Oh schnapps, this is JAMMIN’!” The crazy part is, I still get that same reaction, four years later.

55. “And I Was a Boy from School” by Hot Chip (The Warning, 2006)

Hot Chip are masters of the mash-up, as corroborated on “Boy from School,” which couples a swerving disco-esque beat with smooth but melancholy vocals in what I’d argue is one of the finest pop songs ever written. It is a very poignant song centered around the nostalgia of youth and that unquenchable desire some of us feel to just go back in time to the good ol' days before we made the transition to adulthood. These aren't new themes in music and can come off as pretty cheesy when not done right, but thankfully Hot Chip nails it here.

54. “Flashing Lights” by Kanye West (Graduation, 2007)

“Flashing Lights” is a gorgeous, airy track with a gliding house beat, somber strings, and a silver-tongued flow from Kanye. Interestingly, it's not really a particularly buoyant song and even possesses a strange, unsound quality to it despite that catchy euro-club beat and the symphonics that accompany it. For a hip-hop track, "Lights" has a sort of James Bond grace and poise to it that makes it one of the more memorable of Kanye’s career. The music video ain’t half bad, either.

53. “The Modern Age” by the Strokes (Is This It?, 2001)

Whenever I listen to “The Modern Age,” I envision a scene of Julian Casablancas n’ friends cruising down a desert highway with the top down on their convertible, bobbing their heads left and right while enjoying a nice healthy dose of God’s OJ. All while wearing leather jackets and being totally badass, of course. It starts off with some old-fashioned barn stompin’ kickdrums and a driving guitar riff before meeting Casablancas’ sunny (and awesome) kinda-singing-but-not-really vocals. It’s nothing groundbreaking, just tried and true awesome rock music.

52. “Knife” by Grizzly Bear (Yellow House, 2006)

I wasn’t the biggest fan of Yellow House when it came out, but boy, did this track blow me away. The vocals, which are probably the highlight of the song, are one part ethereal, one part mellifluous. It’s an almost entrancing melody that draws you into its swirling soundscape and doesn't let your ears off the hook until the final piano chord resounds in your headphones.

51. “Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)” by the Arcade Fire (Funeral, 2004)

Whenever I listen to this song I’m reminded of all the times friends and I have tried to sing along together to Arcade Fire. Every time “Tunnels” would come on we would attempt to emulate Win Butler’s raw, wavering vocals, especially when he belts out the heartfelt lyric “Then I’ll dig a tunnel, from my window to yours.” Gah, gets me every time. It’s those lyrics and the dense sheet of guitars, piano, and drums that propel this track to heights most bands only dream of. Nobody combines weighty subject matter with joyfully harmonious music like the Arcade Fire do.

Listomania: Favorite Songs of the 00's (70-61)

Annnnnnnd we're BACK with more of my personal faves from the previous decade.

70. “Ready for the Floor” by Hot Chip (Made in the Dark, 2008)

How about that—the name itself pretty much screams “catchy dance tune!” And it certainly is. I’d argue that this song is probably their most accessible pop hit, which is saying a lot for the same guys that wrote “Over and Over.” Yet, for a dance tune, the song has a lot of charm to it that mainly stems from Alexis Taylor’s soft vocals and the (d'awww) sugar-sweet lyrics. Hot Chip have also somehow managed to cram enough catchy hooks in just one tune to take up your standard pop singer’s entire catalog. Seriously, you think you’ve heard the best, catchiest part of the song and then BOOM, “You’re my number one guy!” comes in.

69. “7/4 (Shoreline)” by Broken Social Scene (Broken Social Scene, 2005)

Welp, some of you already know that I’m a huge Broken Social Scene addict. I’ve eaten up everything they’ve put out, just about, and get this immense, incomparable feeling of satisfaction from listening to their music that I don’t really get from listening to anyone else. For some reason I tie a series of images and experiences (some real and others imagined) to every song of theirs. I don’t experience this with any other artist. I’m not really sure why. For example, “Lover’s Spit” always involves breakup imagery of sorts, something I thankfully haven’t had to experience...yet :-O. jk lolz.

Anyhow, that’s the big BSS fanatic spiel that I had to get out of the way. As far as “7/4” goes, it’s the song that perhaps best typifies Broken Social Scene’s sound—if it can be typified, that is. Someone once described their music as an "expansive flea market: a few gems in plain view, then a vast pile of odds and ends in which each piece shines a little brighter every time you rummage through the junk." That's a darn good description of BSS (hence why I stole it without giving credit). If I were to use one word to describe “7/4” (or heck, any of their songs or albums), it would be alive: the drumbeat skips at a quick, prancing pace; the guitars clutter a multitude of sounds; the soulful vocals of Leslie Feist. Their impeccable delivery of this song is one of excitement, of joy. I’ve seen them play this song live twice and both times they maintained the same sort of energy and delight in the music they were making that by the time the herald of horns and trombones came in to close the song, I was right there with them, feeding off of the same raw energy and vivacity.

68. “Postcards from Italy” by Beirut (Gulag Orkestar, 2006)

Despite being American, Beirut’s songs have always effectively captured the European aesthetic. It might be the themes (many of which detail a life abroad), it might be the instrumentation that comes out of the Romani folk handbook; whatever it is, it’s working. They’re a very unique outfit that utilize a cornucopia of unusual instrumentation (violin, ukulele, accordion, etc…) as a backdrop to Zach Condon’s breezy yet tremulous croon, which all compliment the themes of longing and love/death quite nicely in this song.

67. “Sodom, South Georgia” by Iron & Wine (Our Endless Numbered Days, 2004)

I think it was Sam Cooke (one of my all-time favorite male vocalists) who remarked upon hearing Bob Dylan for the first time that music was no longer about how pretty it sounded but whether or not the singer could “tell it how is." That’s kind of how it is for me and Sam Beam of Iron & Wine, especially on this particular song. His soothing vocals and delicate delivery have the intimacy of an old friend sitting down in my living room and telling me how it is. Despite the sad imagery, there is a sort of soothingness in "Sodom." Things don't seem quite right, but it doesn't matter. You've got Sam Beam's voice to keep you company.

66. “Cold Days from the Birdhouse” by the Twilight Sad (Fourteen Autumns & Fifteen Winters, 2007)

“Cold Days” combines brumal sonics with vivid lyrics to create something that’s at once personal, immediate, and raw. While the song builds and ends slowly with the thudding of a solitary, cheerless piano key, it’s the middle sections that really stand out. At 2:30 the guitars emphatically announce themselves with the sort of heaviness that evokes open spaces and mountains. Yet, astoundingly, the louder the band gets the more emotionally affecting the song becomes.

65. “Touch the Sky” by Kanye West (Late Registration, 2005)

Sampling Curtis Mayfield’s “Move On Up” is always a good idea, even if you’re slowing it down. The horns are immensely rich and Kanye’s verses are as triumphant as they are cheerful—definitely one of my favorite feel-good songs. Lupe Fiasco guests on the track and delivers a steady, metaphor-filled flow. I know we all like to hate on the guy for his jackassery and egotism, but when he churns out hits like this, it becomes a lot harder to do so.

64. “I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor” by the Arctic Monkeys (Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not, 2006)

The Arctic Monkeys somehow managed to live up the hype, despite most of them not even being over the age of 20 when their first album was released in 2006. What worked were the ruff-and-tumble guitar riffs and Alex Turner’s straightforward, wryly clever lyrics, as demonstrated on “Dancefloor.” The song moves at a very fast, very loud pace and is one of the standouttiest tracks on album of standouts.

63. “Lay Low” by My Morning Jacket (Z, 2005)

While most of the album was all over the place stylistically, “Lay Low” was a return to the ol’ stuff on MMJ’s 2005 masterwork, Z. While some songs veered towards Pink Floydism and others towards alt-rock, “Law Low” is a Southern stomper that would have made the Allman Brothers proud. Jim James’ angelic country drawl and the booming snare drums drive the song all the way to its impressive Lynyrd Skynyrd-esque dual guitar solo, which is one of my favorite solos from the past decade.

62. “Reckoner” by Radiohead (In Rainbows, 2007)

Radiohead have a very wide palette when it comes to making music. I don’t think anyone balances the whole “I’m gonna rock your face off on this one but then slow it down for the ladies on the next track but still keep things kind of weird and spacey but in the good way” better than these guys. “Reckoner” is one of those slowed down jams that highlights Thom Yorke’s siren-like falsetto over clanging percussion and somber strings. Agh, that description does the song no justice. To put things more succinctly: it’s maybe the most beautiful song they’ve ever done.

61. “Fell in Love With a Girl” by the White Stripes (White Blood Cells, 2001)

One of the many beauties of the White Stripes is Meg White's minimalistic drumming coupled with Jack White's innovative approach to guitar-playing, as demonstrated on this track (but not to the same extent as some of their other work). Another thing I can appreciate about the White Stripes is that they don’t really beat around the bush. “Fell in Love With a Girl” is a straight up rocker that is almost Guided by Voices-esque in its brevity: Jack hashes out one monstrous, quick riff while spitting out lyrics about love and lust and by the time you've gotten acquainted the song is already fading from your speakers. Also, if you haven't seen the music video for this song, you should definitely look into doing so.